Annoying a Madman
by Kikeri Ki
Summary: Ever wonder what goes on in Death Eater territory? You're not missing anything. However, this job isn't so bad when you go out of your way to provide entertainment...
1. Default Chapter: Meet a New Death Eather

**Annoying a Madman**

**Chapter 1: Default Chapter**

**Summery: ****Ever wonder what goes on in Death Eater territory? You're not missing anything, as shown by one bored member. However this job isn't so bad when you go out of your way to provide entertainment**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own the books the movies or really anything to do with Harry Potter**_

Hello, my name is Staci and I'm one of the newest members of the Death Eaters. Don't ask. I'm really not all that evil; it's just that I have nothing to do with my pathetic life.

Well mostly I just hang out here at headquarter. What a waste of time! And it's all because of that stupid application! I mean they should really specify what 'Other' means on that thing. They actually gave us a choice of missions though… 'Killing' or 'Other' and since killing really isn't my thing, I chose 'Other'. If I'd known that it would mean cleaning, and paperwork I would have chose murder. I would have just 'accidentally' missed the intended target. What would they have done, take away my Christmas bonus? Not much of a bonus I'll tell you, old man Voldemort doesn't even pay us. He just promises to reward us when he kills some kid named Harry. What's up with that? He can't take on anyone his own size, so he has to kill a kid? And after all these time he STILL can't defeat that child? My god I'm working for the wrong side… -bangs head against desk-

Anyway I'm stuck with the cleaning and paperwork and I get to go to the meetings. Oh joy…listening to all the little suck ups tell their stories. All we need now is the campfire, Cola, and a rousing chorus of Kum-Buy-Ya. Yay, we've recruited another little wannabe. –Rolls eyes- that's my day right there. You can tell how exciting they are. –Sarcasm-

I must have been the only idiot to sign up for this crap job too, because there is no one in this office but me. I can guarantee that the others get to go out and practice their 'killing' only I really doubt that they murder anyone. I wonder where they go…Starbucks? Hm…maybe I'll have to ask them to bring me a latte someday… mmmm….latte… -drools-

So one of my jobs is cleaning, cleaning of all things! My god this place is a dump! I will never get up and clean this place when there are 20+ wizards and witches here that can use a goddamn wand and help out. So basically I'm stuck for 10 boring hours that I should actually be doing something. And then there's paperwork. Oh my god, don't get me started! This job SUCKS! Why do all the people in this 'organization; have weird names? Bellatrix, Lucius, Dolo…whatever! What were these people thinking? Of course none of these guys are smart enough to spell anyway so maybe it's a good thing that I'm here. The morons are still trying to spell my name. IT'S FIVE FREAKIN' LETTERS! –Sigh-

This job does have its benefits however. By reading all this unnecessary paper, I have learned many, MANY secrets… (Such as: Lucius loves rubber ducks...why they have that on file I have NO idea...freaks) and all those hours I should have been cleaning? Not totally lost to boredom. Instead I have devised a list (with the help of my comrades on the outside –grins-) of the best ways to get on Lord Voldemort's nerves.

Now I'm going to leave…Macnair has a suspicious look on his face and has a hot iron…-thump- GODDAMN IT! GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BRAND ME WITH THE DARK MARK YOU STUPID PYRO! I'LL KICK YOUR ASS IF YOU COME ANY CLOSER DAMN IT! –Crash-


	2. Plan 325

**Chapter 2: Plan 325.42: Trip Him Repeatedly**

_**Disclaimer: Still nada…..**_

"Ok, the 242nd meeting of the Death Eaters is now in session," Voldemort said. Wow only 242 meetings…I wonder if he meant in a row? I am sure that there have been more, though, I can't be sure since I usually don't pay attention anyway…

"Staci, pay attention! I'm not paying you for slacking!" the mad man yelled

'You don't pay us…' I thought but thought better of saying it, "Sorry Sir! I was just enraptured by your powerful speaking skills!" 'As if anyone could be 'enraptured by this load of crap.' Thinking to myself, again.

Ok, so it was a really lame excuse (and lie) from someone who just fell off their chair from boredom. It is time for plot 325.42…

"Well I'll just carry on then," and he went back to speaking, me with an evil grin on my face. Bellatrix kept giving me funny looks the rest of the meeting… so I stared back (and I think I creeped her out)

The meeting was finally over at 5:00p.m. (What kinda idiot puts people in a stuffy small room, FOR 5 HOURS?) So I dashed out immediately. I hid behind the staff room door as the rest of the Death Eaters filed out (one of them hit me in the nose with the door! #$&! I think it was Bellatrix…) I peaked around the door. Sure enough here came Lord Voldy, walking briskly to get out of the room. I stuck out my foot and the geezer fell with a loud thump, getting tangled in his robes. I stifled my laughs as he struggled to get out, and then I ran like hell. I could still hear his yells down the hall…

"DAMN IT! WHEN I FIND OUT WHO DID THIS I'LL CURSE THEM INTO OBLIVION!" I really look forward to that –sarcasm-

I ran right to my room and locked the door. Then I burst out laughing. Hm…I wonder what would happen if I do that again? After all curiosity never killed the cat (although it did turn on the blender…) so I crept down the hall to his room. This was one of the times that I worshiped the paperwork that was the bane of my existence, for I had found out that old Moldy Bread gets up every night, at 11:23, to eat a piece of bread and cheese (what a freak!) I stood outside his door and looked at my watch. 11:22 and 3…2…1…The door opened and he stood in the doorway, bleary eyed. I again stuck out my foot and he tumbled with a great sleepy crash.

"!#$&!"" He jumped up and started firing hexes everywhere. Damn why didn't I pass Charms? I can't produce a Shield Charm to save my life! I guess that's what happens when you go to wizarding school in America...it always seems like our education system is behind.

Well thank god for broom cupboards…Well my curiosity was satisfied (and it was funnier the second time!) so I made my way back to my chamber and collapsed on the bed laughing till I passed out.

"Emergency meeting 463.5 is called to order!" Voldemort yelled. Uh-oh…he looks mad…probably why he called this meeting. But why in the hell did he have to call it at 3:00 in the morning?

And what's the .5 all about anyway?

"Last night one of you…" he glared at us and continued his speech. Said something about honor and dignity and some other stuff I found increasing boring. Hee…hee…looks like he broke his nose! Wait…he doesn't have a nose! What is this world coming to?

"…and if I ever find out what person did this they are going to pay," He finished with a snarl, as we all got up and left.

Wow...he still considers the one -cough- me -cough- a person? I'm shocked...especially since I'm barely a person...but hey, is anyone in this joint?

Looks like my plan was a complete success! Of course this might make the next one more dangerous (and funnier!) But it'll be sooo worth it!


	3. Plan 217

**Chapter 3: Plan #217.70: Set Squirrels Loose**

**(A/N: Um…please don't kill me? I wrote another chapter! Yay.) **

It's quiet…too quiet…except for that loud annoying ranting that's coming from down the hall of course. That'd be Moldy Voldy again, and it's starting to irritate me…probably others too. This can only be one of three choices:

1.Voldy finally got a girlfriend

2. He finally killed that Harry kid.

3. …it's time for another retarded meeting

Well seeing as how he will NEVER get a girl with that ugly snake face, and seeing as how Harry keeps thwarting all this idiots plans, I'd have to go with option C…oh dear Lord, not again…

Sure enough…

"All Death Eaters to the meeting room! Be there in 5 minutes or face serious consequences…"

"…Yep time for another evil plan." I pulled out the list from my pocket and consulted it, then grinning put it back into my pocket, "Oh this'll be good….but I'll need some help…" I ran off to the meeting, because I really do fear the consequences…I suck at magic after all.

"Meeting 474 is now in session!" Voldemort slammed down a gavel onto the table.

Since when did he get a gavel?

At least the 'normal' meetings have caught up to the 'emergency' ones…more proof that I need to go through with this evil little scheme.

"Blah, blah, blah, Order, blah, blah, outsmart, blah, blah," Bellatrix droned on and on with her (pointless) story. Hm…I never realized how many ways you can blow a strand of hair out of your face, and guess what? It almost NEVER lands in the same spot!

"Are you listening, Staci? This is VERY important if you're ever going to defeat the Order!" Bellatrix scolded me. Some others in the room glared at me, but most had glazed eyes that rivaled a donut….oh lord…I'm SO hungry!

Anyway, what am I going to do to stop the Order? I do paperwork and cleaning, because none of these –beeeeeeepppps- can do anything. I suppose I could throw a massive stack of paper at the 'enemy'. It might just give them the worst paper cut of their lives! –Evil sarcastic laugh- Yeah right, that'll show 'em all.

"Yes, ma'am," I mumbled. That package I requested better get here soon. I might be dead by the time this is over.

So after another excruciatingly long and irritating meeting, I ran out of the room. I think the other members are starting to think I'm completely insane and indifferent to their cause…which, of course, I am, but that's not the point."

And I mean, come ON! Is anyone ACTUALLY interested in what's being said in those retarded wastes of time?

Whatever, there's a package on my bed with holes poked in the top and all the evil and threatening things I was planning for everyone in this organization are gone…well, except for the semi-evil thing I'm about to do.

Because inside this box are three squirrels, and they're about to help me have a laugh. Because everyone knows that squirrels are also semi-evil, annoying, and always chipper.

And nobody can ever seem to catch the little buggers.

First stop (at midnight of course; I'm not stupid) is the high and mighty, Lord Volde-whatsit. Giggling evilly I planted one of the annoying little creatures, just inside his door, and ran off (again, NOT stupid).

Of course, EVERYONE in headquarters was woken up by loud screams, as a 6 inch creature tore up the room.

Which reminds me, I wonder how that other squirrel is doing…I threw it into Bellatrix's room, just to get back at her for freaking me out, and just being an ass to me.

"AHHHHH!!!!!"

Perfect…

Still smiling I fell asleep as the two head honchos' screamed bloody murder

For cripessake they're just little rodents!!!

"Emergency meeting, 568 is in session!" Voldemort shouted at the room of groggy Death Eaters.

One flaw in my evil plans…the lack of sleep…

Wait a minute…how did we get up to emergency meeting 568? Whatever…I'm too tired to care at the moment…

But not too tired to hang onto squirrel number 3.

"Whoever thinks this is funny is WRONG!" Voldemort yelled

I think it's funny…and it seems he thinks that I think it's funny too because he stared straight at me, sneering. Good thing I'm too tired to care…or smile at the moment.

"Again…if I find out who's been doing these acts of treason…."

Oooo treason…I'm scared now

"…They will be severely punished." And with that he dismissed us

And I dismissed that squirrel on the way out.

I can still hear the angry yells from here. And he'll never know because of the rush to get out of the room.

This job sucks but at least there's SOME entertainment.


	4. Plan 749

**Chapter 4: Plan #749.35: Ask him if he's balding**

**(A/N: Still going….aren't you all lucky? Lol. There's a bit of language in this chapter…but not horribly bad. Don't say that I didn't warn you)**

_**Disclaimer: since I probably missed this in the last chapter…Disclaimer, Disclaimer!**_

Life is SO boring! I think Voldemort was starting to suspect me in these plots, so I've been 'keeping my nose clean' as they say (who say? I don't know) and keeping a low profile, which has been surprisingly easy since he banished me from the past few meetings….

This would be a cause for celebration…except for the fact that he banished me to file new reports on every single Death Eater ever born, and several others on the Order of the Phoenix.

Bastard

Now I HAVE to get some kind of revenge.

But this next plan is dangerous…it involves directly speaking to him, and asking him a question that will surely get me running as soon as I ask it.

Not to mention that it's so short…like a hit and run sort of deal. So I'm spicing it up a little bit. I have to go shopping first though…and find a good hiding spot in my room. It shouldn't be hard to find a loose floorboard or something, as the floors in this dump are starting to rot. Not even termites would eat the wood in this place. Yuck, yuck, triple yuck

_Later_

Ok…here goes nothing. For once, though, I'm happy that we were given those stupid hooded cloaks to wear. Now no one can actually tell who the heck I am. Usually I never wear the hideous thing (Probably one of the reasons I'm suspected in this whole mess) but it's a Godsend today.

Since this very well could be my last hour (STILL suck at magic…and he could very well kill me after this) I'd like to take this time to tell you a little story…..oh wait never mind here he comes…

Mustering up all my courage, I speak first, "Evening master, I've got a quick question for you," Amazing what the vocal cords (and fear) can do to the voice…I don't sound like me at all!

"What is it?" Voldemort looks a bit wary.

"Um…are you balding?" I took running. I've got a plan…sort of…also I'm not that stupid.

Ooo…look at the pretty lights….was that a green one? Oh…crap…green is that Killing Curse isn't it?

Keep running don't look back….must get to office. Those are my only thoughts at the moment, as I dash into the office, rip off that ugly cloak, and pick up some papers. I've got to look busy, or he might suspect me again.

Good thing I was a runner back in school. I can calm down pretty easily.

"WHO was it?!" Voldy burst into the office, steaming mad.

"Who was what, sir?" I asked innocently (still amazed at how fear can change the voice

"THE ONE WHO ASKED IF I AM LOSING MY HAIR!!!" he bellowed

'You DON'T have any hair to lose," I thought to myself, "Someone asked that? I hope you told him he was completely wrong," the lie slips out easily. I think I'm going to have to wash out my mouth after this one

Voldemort deflated a little, "Well…I really just lobbed curses at him, but he IS very wrong," he then turned and walked out of the room.

The laughter just flowed after that. I didn't get killed either!

Of course, after step 2 I might…

In the dead of night (wearing the cloak again) I tip-toed off to Voldemort's room. I'm still amazed that the loser still hasn't posted guards out there. If this was happening to me that'd be the FIRST thing I'd do.

Which, for some reason, reminds me: Doesn't Moldy Toast have the power of Legumens or whatever? How come he can't figure out it's me? Not that I'm complaining but really…I know for a fact I can't block him out. Sure my mind can be blank but that's normal…

Oh well, I'm outside his door now and I'm leaving him 'gifts'. I bought him a toupee, hair growth formula, and a coupon for hair extensions. Knocking on the door and running might seem…childish…but really…you think I'm going to stick around and see the sparks fly because of this.

Lying in bed I can hear him freaking out. It's not the most pleasant sound in the world, but it's better than hearing……

"Emergency meeting 679 is in session!" he yelled, slamming the door

I just HAD to say something…

"I am not BALD!!!" he screamed at us

Whatever dude…

"I just have really light hair!"

You're in denial

"Whoever says otherwise will be severely punished"

….-yawn-

"That is all…

Wow…already…and he hasn't looked in my direction at all. You know what that means….

I'm off the hook!!! Ha, serves him right. Except now I'm stuck going to those stupid meetings again. I suppose this is what they mean when they say 'every cloud has a silver lining'

It'll be worth it, though. I'll bide my time.

It's not like I have a shortage of ideas –pats pocket holding list- yep, I've still got ideas…-evil grin-

Until next time...

**(A/N: This wasn't my best chapter. I hope you still like it though, and please review)**


	5. Plan 623

**Chapter 5: Plan 623: Sing Annoying Songs Around Him.**

**A/N: Ha...it's not that good...hope you like it though**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything of the sort**_

You know I'm REALLY starting to think getting Volde-dork unsuspicious was a bittersweet deal.

Sure, he isn't suspicious anymore…but really that just means going to meetings and listening to the stories.

And I HATE these wastes of time

"Blah blah blah…" he glared, "Harry Potter, blah blah blah, evil brat, blah blah ruins everything, blah…."

So I tuned out most of the story…bite me! But as far as I can tell Harry thwarted Voldie's plans once again.

Which reminds me, I'm also starting to think that this Harry kid could be very useful in helping me annoy the Dark Lord, though I doubt he would seeing as how he wouldn't trust a Death Eater…even one, so uninterested like meself

I yawned, fidgeted, and stole a glance at the piece of paper in my pocket. Way number 623 on how to annoy Lord Voldenhiemer, sing random annoying songs around him.

Seeing as how I can sing, this shouldn't be a problem…but I have one song in mind that I can't sing…and it involves hamsters…you probably know it…I love it but I'm weird like that, and many call it the worst song ever.

One way to find out if he hates it too

I crept down the hallway (after meeting number…oh who gives a F#$) in my dark cloak and mask (very important in sneakiness), whistling the Mission Impossible theme (which also could be annoying after awhile….)

"dum, da da um da a dum" I hummed softly, as I snuck up behind the intentioned target. He stiffened and turned around but I do have one talent…blending in and staying silent, so he didn't notice anything.

Good…he entered his room…phase one complete…now for phase two

I rigged up the speakers, which would blare the music right into his room. I also set up the CD player, and hooked it to the speakers.

And then I ran…heck I ain't too dumb!

The music started softly…too softly…I turned up the volume until….

"YEE HAW!!!!"

Yes folks, it's the Hamster Dance…so cute but very annoying (I love it!)

"AHH!" Of course Voldemort can't see the humor…

"Just stomp your feet, and clap your hands, come on everybody it's the hamster dance!" the song continued.

Sighing contently I waited to hear the unmistakable crash of a madman cursing a small-ish, portable, boom box.

Now it gets tricky…see…I'm supposed to sing…but I think I can make it worse…so much worse

Every week the bored Death Eaters send me an invitation to their sing-a-long. I never go because I've heard the acts…they all suck…BADLY, and it is very hard to sleep with a half-ass rendition of 'Don't Stop Believin'. I know for a fact that Voldemort doesn't go to these little shindigs because I see him stuffing cotton into his ears as he walks down the hall to his room.

….Of course the cotton doesn't work…trust me I've tried

Anyway I figure a little dose of American Idol style horridness will do the trick.

Plus I just don't wanna sing…or waste my perfectly positioned speakers, for that matter. All I had to do was reroute them to pick up the 'singing' from the common room

Egads! Common room? What the heck? Am I becoming more Englishy?

Obviously not with a verb like Englishy.

"THHAATT'SSS WHATTTTTTTT GIRRRRRRLLLLLSSS DOOOOOO!!!" I heard someone wailing…disturbingly enough I think it's Lucius…Draco must be SO proud.

"ACK!" Voldemort yelled. (Ack?)

"I'LL SPREAD MY WINGS AND LEARN HOW TO FLY! ………BREAKAWAY!!!" Yet another screeched, messing up the words of course

"My EARS!" Voldie sobbed. Welcome to my world…at least you're on the other side of the house

"'ROUND ROUND, GET AROUND, I GET AROUND!!!" Ah…the Beach Boys….would be somewhat refreshing…but not right now…ick

"AHHHH!!! MAKE IT STOP!" It is sort of refreshing to hear Voldemort though…

"LET THE RAIN FALLLL DOwwWWwwWN…I'M COMIN' CLEAN!" Oh gross I think that's Bellatrix…or Wormtail…God I hope it's the former…

"STOP!!!" he screamed, getting angry

"COME ON EVERYBODY IT'S THE HAMSTER DANCE!!!!"

"I SAID STOP!!!!!!!!!" Voldemort stormed out of his room and down the hall to the common room to stop the noise. (I can't even use the term 'singing' loosely in this case…)

…It's been ten minutes since Vortamer left…but I haven't heard any cries of pain…or crashing…or mention of a meeting….

"A MOOOOMMMEEENNNNTTT LIIIIKKKKEEEE THIIIIIIIISSSSSS!!!!!" the sound of a hissing snake was heard as the last word faded…

……!#$……Oh for Cripessakes!!!!

I really, REALLY wish that wasn't who I think it was…


	6. Plan 972

**Chapter 6: Plan # 972.9: Throw Stuff at Him**

**A/N: Another chapter….dedicated to the last Harry Potter book (makes me sad that there's no more of them….)**

For the record, Bellatrix is SO annoying.

I mean, just because all her little buddies left on some "mission" –cough-Starbucks-cough- doesn't mean I want her hanging around my office blabbing her head off about her family, being a 'good' Death Eater, and whatever else pops into her suck-up, crackpot mind.

It's irritating

So I'll be taking my frustration out on old Voldy, of course, with plan number 972.9: Throw stuff at him.

And with the word "stuff" being vague this could be fun

"Meeting 689 is now in session!" Voldemort yelled as he sat with a loud thud into his chair.

He's been very upset….well he's always upset…but even more so lately. He's found out a few things…

**1. The Order still continues to bug him**

**2. The world now knows he exists**

**3. The supermarket down the street stopped stocking Cheez-Its (I'm quite mad about this as well…because Cheez-Its make everything better…seriously)**

**4. He realized that it is, in fact, very, very, very, very, VERY unlikely that he will ever get laid.**

Serves the git right…but moving on

"As you know, we have a very important mission that is happening at this very moment. Death Eaters should now be obtaining Harry Potter's glasses for examination, and ultimately this will result in his doom," Voldemort cackled evilly

…..

His glasses….

Why his glasses?

"I believe that these spectacles hold the key to killing Potter. And as a bonus he won't be able to see making it easier for us to capture him,"

That's the plan?

THAT'S the great scheme that's going to bring the Order to its knees???

Oh for cripessake!

Is that the –BEEEEEEPPPP- best these idiots can do?

The only thing worse than knowing that you're smarter than a madman and that his plan totally sucks, is that, you know you're smarter than a madman, his plan sucks, and there's absolutely nothing you can say or do about it.

Because he'll curse you the minute the words get out.

Sighing, I stared at the small arsenal of crumpled up paper I have hidden in my lap. I decided to start small…so I picked one up and threw it at the Dark Lord, who had turned his back.

Luckily no one saw me.

"Who did that?" Volde-moron turned around angrily, as did all the Death Eaters. They all glared in random directions. So I did too.

When in Rome……

Voldy turned around again, to write something 'important' on the blackboard (when did we get one of those?) So I flicked another one.

"That's IT!!" he was furious now (already?) "Accio Paper!"

Very, VERY stupid Voldemort…as there's a filing cabinet in the corner and it's LOADED with paper. I'm not in charge of it…my office is down the hall….

So of course all the paper in the room flew at him, as he screamed and fell over…covered in a heap of paper.

Idiot

"Meeting dismissed," he grumbled. I left the room skipping. Everyone already knows I'm crazy so why should I leave them any reason to doubt it?

Hm…what can I throw next…how about a textbook? There's plenty of them lying around…Voldy makes me organize them every so often…but he can't suspect me because…well…they are lying around EVERYWHERE (pigsty…)

I got the biggest one I could find (College Biology of all things) and crept down the hallway (disguised of course) to where I could get a good shot at Volde…..crap I'm running out of nicknames…

Sure enough he came walking briskly down the hall. I've noticed that even though he doesn't do much, he likes to think he's always in a big hurry.

I lobbed that book (stupid thing is so heavy that I can't even throw…I've gotta LOB) and it hit right on target…the back of his head.

And he went down like a sack of potatoes

So I took off running…there's NO way he's going to be able to get up so soon after that one.

Later when I was walking down the hall I noticed something very strange…

It seems that, that hit to the head knocked him senseless…

Or gave him amnesia

"Hello there! Could you please tell me where the meeting room is? I believe I'm supposed to have a meeting…but I can't remember…"

Oh yeah, defiantly senseless…

"Um……" I don't even know what to say…really this is just too weird for words… "Just wait here" I've got an idea

See as much as I despise that freaky man, I don't think I'm the one to defeat him.

I just like messing with his mind

I picked up the last thing I was going to throw at him and walked back to the spot he was last seen at (by me). He now was rolling around on the floor, laughing his head off for no reason.

NOT a pretty picture

It's a good thing most of those other Death Eaters are out drinking coffee (or killing, though I'd go with the former)

"Nighty, Night Moldy," I said, as I dropped the cauldron on his head

That shut him up right away. He looks so peaceful when he's knocked out cold.

"Emergency meeting 786!" Voldemort yelled later as we all sat in the meeting room again. Nice to know he's back to normal…only this time, he's normal AND his head is bandaged to twice its size.

I'm telling you, it's getting rather difficult not to laugh…he looks so….stupid

Something I should add to this list…Ask him if you can sign his head cast. That probably wouldn't go over too well, though…

"This is a mark of a traitor!" he said, pointing at the dented cauldron that had most recently been dropped onto his head

…he should be thanking me! I stopped him from being a blithering idiot!

"And should I ever find out who did this, they will pay…." Voldemort's head must have been hurting him, because he muttered something about needing an aspirin and left for his room before any of us could say anything.

Well I'm certainly not frustrated anymore…

These people are all stupid


	7. Plan 578

**Chapter 7: Plan 578.28: Redecorate His Room**

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews!! They've all been good and I'm glad people enjoy this story. :-) This isn't the best chapter, but I hope you still like it!**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and blah blah blah**_

"So what do you think?" I asked as I stood in the doorway of my room, smiling like an idiot (or crazy person…whatever works)

"Um…" by chance the one random Death Eater that I had pulled into my room, was none other than Draco Malfoy

Whom, I must say, is probably better than his dad…or Bellatrix...they have no sense of humor…actually he doesn't either, it seems…but it's better than an adult.

"Well?" I prodded him into an answer

"It's very……sunshiny?" Geez for being a 'bright' student at Hogwarts he sure doesn't have a good vocabulary

"And?"

"And….it's yellow" oh good enough

Yes in a burst of creativity/ boredom I had painted my room a very bright yellow, followed by some purple daisies on the wall, and a very cheerful bedspread

Oh yeah, I'm good

"So…um…why?" Draco finally asked.

"I was bored…and the whole 'dark/dreary' thing just isn't totally me"

"Ok…" with a confused and somewhat disgusted look he left.

These people need to get out more.

Voldy will probably kill me…but there is NOTHING that says I can't paint my room any color I want.

So when he walked past he just stared. Normally it wouldn't be the best idea to leave the door agape (these people tend to spy on you…) but I had to leave the door open…the paint fume probably would have given me a buzz. Although they might have been the inspiration for this next plan.

"Number 578.28, Redecorate his room" I said to myself. And I've got just the plan. –Insert evil laugh-

To Fleet-Farm! I swear they have EVERYTHING! Including paint…and drapes…and sheets…oo! And posters…….

I hummed cheerfully as I painted the walls. Dorky is off on a super secret mission for a few hours so life is good. I should be able to finish this job and he'll be none the wiser as to whodoneit.

…Wow…way too many hours spend playing Clue…

I finished with time to spare, so I spent a little time checking out headquarters.

As of right now there is one meeting room, a kitchen, a karaoke room (O.o), a common room, two bathrooms (wtf??? With this many Death Eaters?), and many bedrooms (I got bored halfway through counting…)

Voldemort's back and his screaming is echoing through the halls…ya'll know what that means…..

"Emergency meeting 1007!" he yelled at us.

Oh I am good…I must be somewhat psychic!

…or maybe I've just been here WAY too long…

"While I was out on my important mission…"

Wait…what was the mission? Though, to me it looks like he got his eyebrows waxed…and maybe a manicure too…those nails look awfully shiny…

"Someone painted my room PINK!!!" he threw down some pictures onto the table.

Oh lord…it's getting very difficult not to smirk, laugh, or really anything that would make him suspect me. I don't' know how the others are doing it…

Because those pictures show walls that are bright pink, flowery light fixtures, fluffy flowery pillows and sheets, and posters of the Backstreet Boys and NSync.

Not to mention the purple drapes…they really seem to pull the room together.

But apparently he doesn't think so because he is furious. He's another one of those who needs a shot of humor.

Of course it took the cake when Crabbe spoke up

"Hey, boss….it looks kinda pretty…."

Voldemort glared at him and Crabbe cowered in fear. If looks could kill……

Wait…Voldy-man's glare probably could kill…

Oh well, another success. I probably need to get a life

But this is so much fun!!


	8. Plan 156

**Chapter 8:Plan 158.4: Have a Little Kid Come to a Meeting**

**A/N: Yay, I thought of another chapter… :-)**

"Why the hell are you following me?!" I yelled furiously at the kid trailing behind me. I was already in a bad mood, and this was compounding the problem.

For one, I had once again been banished to my office. I don't think he suspected me…much, but it still peeved me off.

Also I hadn't been able to pull a prank off in WEEKS.

It was like a 'prank block.' I had the list, but no ideas on how to pull them off. And I was starting to go 'blah' without my doses of Voldemort-induced bouts of chaos. Well….maybe not blah...

But I was getting very cranky and irritable.

Now this stupid kid is following me around, and it's starting to annoy me even worse. Like Bellatrix annoying. No wait….more than that….more like, 'little brother who's bigger than you' annoying. And that's quite possibly the most annoying you can get. (Trust me on that one.)

Believe me, this isn't looking good. It could complicate my mission.

Even if I can't figure out what my mission is, at the moment.

"But Staci," he whined. Why had I gotten stuck with babysitting? I mean really, I'm a Death Eater who is supposed to be a master at killing and the Dark Arts (none of these actually apply to me, except the Death Eater part, but STILL) and here I'm stuck taking care of a sniveling little 8 year old brat, because he stupid Death Eater parents were off on some 'big' mission.

Though, looking at this clingy idiot beside me, I'm willing to bet that they're getting some long overdue snogging done.

Lucky for them…the fact they're away from their kid, not the snogging part…that's kinda…EW

"Are you LISTENING to me?" he screamed

"Huh?" Truth is I had tuned him out,

"Why is the Dark Lord taking over the world?" he asked, looking somewhat annoyed (for a 8 year old, anyway)

"No idea," I shrugged

"Why are you a Death Eater?"

"…" inwardly I groaned, "I have no idea"

"Why don't you know?"

"I don't know"

"But……."

"Just shut up…what's your name again?" ok, bit of an ADD moment…but I really didn't remember the kid's name…he was just…the kid

"It's Liam" he glared at me

Seriously, a kid, half my age just GLARED at me.

If I were you, I'd be frightened, these kids are our FUTURE.

"Uh, ok, sorry," fortunately it didn't faze me too much.

"I'm bored," he announced

Duh, I am too. What does he expect in a dark, dreary, building, with an evil overlord residing in it? The only way I get my kicks is by taking out my boredom (or anger) on Voldy.

"What do you want me to do about it?" I asked sarcastically. Those parents better get back soon. Or I might jump off a balcony. Better yet, throw Liam of a balcony.

It'd solve all our problems.

"Death Eater meeting in 5 minutes!"

…Except that one…

"Damn," I swore under my breath.

"What's a Death Eater Meeting?" Liam asked, all innocent like…for a little terror

"It's……" suddenly a great idea popped into my head, as I grabbed my handy-dandy list and jotted down Plan #156.4. Oh this will be good…

"Well, Liam, you'll just have to come with to find out!" smiling sweetly, I grabbed his hand and hauled him down to the meeting room.

"Meeting 895….why's there a kid in this room?" Voldemort cut his normal speech short when he saw the little brown haired child, sitting in a (once) empty chair, and staring at him with wide brown eyes.

"I'm baby-sitting for Death Eaters on a mission," I explained. Voldemort gave me a strange look, but continued the meeting.

After about a half-hour I noticed Liam getting very antsy. One thing I do know about kids is that, you cannot get them to sit still and be quiet. It's like, physically impossible.

So it didn't surprise me when, five minutes later, I heard his voice, whispering in my ear.

"Is the windbag DONE yet?" he whispered frantically.

Did I mention that it is also impossible for them to whisper correctly? His voice was loud enough so that everyone, including Voldy, could hear him. Mort-vort turned red (not from embarrassment, but anger) but kept lecturing.

"Liam, shut up," I whispered back, though I was cheering on the inside. It was all going according to plan.

"But he's BORING!"

"Is there a problem with my speaking?" the old coot rounded on us. I pretended shock and dismay.

"I TOLD him to shut it…" I shrugged

"But this is STUUUUUPPPPPIIIIIIIIDDDDD" Another thing about kids, they have an AMAZING ability to stretch a word out.

Voldemort's eyes turned to slits (even more so) and his face was beet red. I'm really glad that I'm not Liam at the moment….

Ok, so later when his parents came back I had to explain why their son was tied to a spinning ceiling fan gagged and locked in a room.

They were, surprisingly, understanding; after all, I didn't have any control over what their son had said. Also the fact that Voldemort is an evil dirt bag tyrant, who has anger management issues, might have had to do something with it.

Parents understand that kids can't sit still during 'important' meetings.

This is why they lock 'em in playpens.

To top this mission off, Moldy-voldy isn't mad at me……seeing as how I was doing something productive (for once)

And I feel better……for now. –Evil-ish laugh-


	9. Plan 806

**Chapter 9: Plan 806.34: Light off Fireworks**

**A/N: Finally updated! So here ya go. It was kinda fun adding a random guest :) **

**Disclaimer: Uh…nope**

"Death Eaters!" Voldemort's voice boomed over the dull listlessness of the conference room, "We have just received insider information that the Order of the Phoenix will be attempting a break-in tonight, so be on your guard!"

Wow…really? That's….exciting…or would be exciting if we didn't keep getting these 'warnings' every three days.

That's why I was very surprised when at midnight I heard the thump of a person falling through my bedroom window.

Which makes me wonder….why do these things keep happening to me?

"Bloody hell…" the voice swore as a tall, gangly figure stood up, reflected in the moonlight.

"Nice to meet you too," I groaned. I like sleep. It's what I do. Interrupting my sleep is BAD. "Can I ask you what you're doing in my room?"

"Stay back," the kid growled, pulling out a wand and muttering the Lumos spell. Instantly a beam of light flashed in my face.

"Do you MIND? I don't exactly like having a light shining in my eyes…can't imagine you would either."

"I swear if you yell or come at me I'll curse you," he threatened.

"Dude…I'm NOT going to hurt you…or sound the alarm."

"But you're a Death Eater,"

"Barely," I muttered,

"…ok…well how do I know you're not going to kill me?"

"well for one, my wand is over there," I pointed at the little table in the corner, "two, I just don't feel like it…it's a waste of my time…as is this whole little Death Eater thing, but that's another story.

"Huh," He paused to think about that. Wait…that red hair...the freckles…he looks vaguely familiar.

"Are you Ron Weasley?" I blurted out

"How'd you know?"

"I'm in charge of paperwork…and Oldie made me do reports on all you people of the Order," I shrugged, "I probably should ask…what made you decide to enter Death Eater territory and fall into my room?"

"I'm on a mission to find some important information on Death Eater plans," Ron puffed out his chest, proudly.

"Is that it? Jeez…I can show you the way…but trust me, you won't find much in the way of useful……I don't think any of these people know how to follow a plan," we walked out of the room, heading for the office. On the way, I gave him a grand tour…which really just meant going past Voldemort's room.

"So he sleeps there every night?" Ron whispered as we went past the room. Cripes…Volder STILL doesn't have any guards posted there…idiot.

"Well…every night that I don't pester him," I whispered back.

"Wait…we've had some insider info about someone tormenting You-Know-Who. Is that you?" Ron asked

"Um…you know, that last sentence rhymed," I changed the subject as I entered the office, and opened a filing cabinet.

"You realize that after the war is done, you'll probably go to Azkaban," Ron said, as he watched me (it was kinda creeping me out…)

"Well…I guess before no one from the Order ever saw me…I don't have the Dark Mark because that's just stupid…and I'm not really a very good Death Eater…or really one at all…so nope didn't think about it." I said, preoccupied with the filing cabinet

"I suppose since you're helping me I'll cover for you," he shrugged

"That'd be nice," I pulled out a file, something about battle plans or whatnot, "will these work for you?"

He flicked through them, grinning "Heck yeah," he turned around. As he did, some bright red packages fell out of his pocket. I picked them up and grinned

"These are those fireworks your brothers made right?" I asked, holding them up

"Uh……yeah, I'm supposed to use them if I need a distraction"

"Can I have them?"

"What will you give me for them?"

"I showed you to this office!" I exclaimed

"Yeah, but you're reward for that is me vouching for you after the war is done,"

"Right……" I thought a moment and then smiled deviously, "How about I let you light them off?" I hoped he would get the hint

It took awhile (this is Ron we're talking about) but he slowly smiled. We walked back to the hallway that contained the snoring madman.

"This will be good. You'll have to run like hell though," I warned him, positioning the fireworks right at the door, which 'happened to be opened a little ways.

"Of course, I'm not stupid,"

"Just checking." And with that he lit the fuse and we both tore down the hallway. Behind us bright light began to flash, whizzing noises could be heard….and Voldie began to scream.

"I love warping his day," I sighed contently as I listened to the bangs and pops.

"Wait until Harry and Hermione hear about this," Ron shook his head in disbelief

"Glad I made your day,"

"So are you going to be ok? Or is he going to find out that you lit them off?" Ron asked, as he began to climb out the window.

"You lit them off….but no he won't find out…he never has…the worst that could happen is….."

"MEETING IN FIVE MINUTES!!!" a voice yelled furiously

"…….shit……" I groaned

"Well…uh…see you." And he took off on a broomstick into the night. I walked down to the meeting room, yawning.

There the old-timer was…steaming…no literally. There was smoke and ashes all over him and he was MAD.

Go figure

He needs to get a sense of humor.

Luckily he didn't blame any of the Death Eaters…after all; none of US could have gotten a hold of the fireworks.

He doesn't know us very well…or at least not me.

"This 'unfortunate' event means that the Order has infiltrated our hideout. Further information will be gathered about this sinister act," Voldemort threw in some big words for effect.

But sinister? He's the one who's killing Muggles, ravaging the countryside, and terrorizing the world and he's calling the ORDER sinister?

Something is way out of whack…

Another day, another dollar….or not…I still haven't gotten paid.

-sigh-


	10. Plan 45

**Chapter Ten: Plan 45.923: Poke Him**

**A/N: Oh boy…this will be interesting…sometimes it's kinda fun bringing in random guests:-P**

_**Disclaimer: Uh…………………no**_

"Where am I?"

"What's that bright light?"

-Groan- "Why does my head hurt?"

I opened my eyes sluggishly and groaned again. The sun was shining brightly, the birds were singing, and it was a perfectly beautifully, cheerful day.

And at the moment I was not happy and cheerful. I wanted everything dead and dark. The pounding in my head commanded it…and the singing of those damn happy birds was deafening

Back to the problem….why did my head hurt again

Let's see…there was that dumb meeting where Voldie nearly ranted to death…Ron got some 'important' paper….um…Voldie was mad…some other dumb stuff I didn't listen to…oh and Voldemander left on some big trip…

That still doesn't explain the headache….

Oh yeah….the party…some Death Eater decided to splurge and have a party….and I was invited on the grounds of also being a Death Eater…go figure

Don't these people realize that I'm underage? Or is the drinking limit different here in Britain? I should've researched this…

Not that I'm complaining…but in America serving alcohol to a 17 year old is kinda illegal…

Of course they got the crappy liquor…reminded me of that 'Victory Gin' they talk about in 1984. Gross…

Ok, back to the problem at hand…my head hurts, I feel completely murderous, I don't think there's any Aspirin, and Voldemort is returning tonight.

So doing the logical thing in this situation, I fell back asleep.

A few hours later I awakened to yet another 'thud'. This time, however, there were three of them.

"Can't anyone find a different window in this goddamn establishment to fall through?" I muttered, loudly. I'm seriously thinking of asking for a promotion to killing…I'm feeling pretty evil at the moment…

It's not just the fact that I've been awakened at 10 p.m. from a giant hangover…no it's also because of the fact that I just hear Voldemort's voice down the hall, laughing manically.

Oh yeah, he's going down.

"Are you sure this is the right room Ron?" a girl's voice asked, worriedly

"Yeah, I'm positive," Ron's voice assured her,

"But you said she was friendly…"

"You woke me up from a massive hangover…I'm not exactly at my friendliest," I spoke up

"That would explain it," a deeper voice said

"Ok, besides Ron, who are you people?" I asked, bluntly

"Well, I'm Hermione, and this is Remus Lupin," the girl's voice answered

"Wow, not Harry?"

"We didn't feel it was safe for him to show up," Ron shrugged.

"Make's sense" and the room lit up from a Lumos spell

"So what brings you to this hellish nightmare of a house?" I asked.

"The Order couldn't believe I actually made it back in one piece, so to prove that I did make it in, I brought a few friends," Ron said

"Gggggreeeeaaaatttt…." I sighed, "Do you realize that Volders just returned from a big trip? He's awake, and by the sounds of it, is in a particularly evil mood." I leaned up against the wall of my room.

"Oh…crap…" Ron groaned

"Do any of you know how to do a good Disillusion spell?" I asked. This was crucial in my plan to annoy Voldie.

"…why?" Lupin asked

Always with the details... "I want to make Voldemort's night a little more miserable, and to do it I need to be invisible…or at least see through."

"Ok…why can't you do it yourself?"

"……because my wand is still on my dresser and I'm too lazy to go get it,"

"…Ok then," Suddenly I felt a really cold sensation. I looked at my hand only not to actually see it.

"This is SO cool," I murmured

"We're going too," Hermione said. I looked at her and the others and they too were see-through.

"Whatever, just don't get killed…it wouldn't make my night any better," I crept out the door, and grinned. The target had been sighted and was only a few feet down the hall to the left of me.

I took off running, and as I passed, I launched a mighty poke into his side.

"WTF?!" Voldemort shrieked, jumping about two feet into the air. I almost started giggling as he started throwing curses in every direction.

I walked back to where Ron, Hermione, and Lupin stood, dumbfounded

"Wow, I feel a little better already," I smiled.

"So are you done torturing him?" Hermione asked

"Nope…I've got a few more pokes in me…" I laughed and took off after the grumbling wizard again.

This time I just tapped him on the shoulder. A bit startled he turned, but saw nothing…he turned around…and I tapped him on the other shoulder.

"…#$&#&" he shouted, throwing even more curses around. Ducking (and giggling like mad. I sprinted away.

"Doesn't he ever suspect you?" Lupin asked

"Um….sometimes….but he can never prove it" I shrugged. Why Voldemort never came after me was still a mystery.

I always assumed it was because I was the young, innocent, American, teenager, without a clue.

Though with the words, AMERICAN, and TEENAGER, you think he'd be a little wiser.

Knowing that he would be turning the corner to the next hallway (and he would be a little more than mad…) I quickly made my way down a few halls, so I would be waiting for him to turn that corner.

And when he did I jumped and hit him right in the head.

I didn't bother to stick around either.

"It was nice seeing you…sort of," I waved half-heartedly as the three spies made their way out the window. I still had a headache…but I felt a little better

They waved back and disappeared into the night.

And I sighed, lifted the Disillusionment and walked over to the conference room. It wouldn't be long before those dreaded words were yelled throughout headquarters. I might as well be ready -sigh-


	11. Plan 942 Part 1

**Chapter 11: Plan 942.1: Enter the Mary Sue**

**A/N: It's been awhile. Thank you for all the reviews! You guys rock! I've wanted to do a chapter like this for awhile. It might be hypocritical…Staci could probably be considered a Mary Sue herself. I just thought I'd do something different. Hope you like it, and thanks for reading :)**

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or anything of the sort. Only a few own characters.**_

"Ahem," I heard a cute little cough coming from the other side of my desk. Inwardly, I groaned; so much for that all-day break I was working on.

"Can I help you?" I sighed and looked up. Then gaped at what I saw. Flawless, straight white teeth and perfect lips were bared in a grin, about five inches from my face. ?!?!!!??!

"Holy cow get out of my face!" I yelled, pushing back from the desk as fast as I could. I swear, those swivel chair wheels were squealing and leaving skid marks on the floor.

"Um…I'm sorry?" She apologized vaguely. I now had a good look at her. Not only was her mouth perfect, but so was the rest of her, apparently. She was about 5'6", petite, thin, and lithe, with a glowing complexion. Then there was her face, the seemingly perfect mouth, smiling even after being yelled at, as I already mentioned, little upturned nose, a tinge of a blush on her cheeks. Hell, I couldn't even tell the color of her eyes; it was like they kept changing color. Maybe violet…or gray…and now they looked blue. And of course, topping off this picture of perfection, was some of the most perfect blonde hair you could ever see. It was shiny and healthy, midway down her back, with a slight curl. You probably couldn't even call it blonde; it was golden. And here she was, standing in this dreary, damp, and depressing building, full of evil Death Eaters, asking for help.

Seriously, this was…absolutely freaky. And intimidating.

"Ok, now that you don't look like you're going to eat me, can I help you?" I asked.

"Hi! I'd like to be a Death Eater! I was sent here to pick up some application!" She said…very cheerfully.

I gaped at her again. She wanted to be a Death Eater? She used exclamation points at the end of all her sentences??? And no one could be that cheerful here. For Godssake, I was one of the most cheerful people here, and I'm NOT cheerful like that.

"Hellooooooo?" She giggled and poked me in the head. Whoa. Personal space please? I shook the weirdness off, and dug around for the application. Handing it to her, I started repeating the standard procedure for filling the stupid thing out, you know, the whole "fill this out, sign the bottom and initial where it says to initial," kind of thing. It's programmed into my mind and it JUST WON'T LEAVE.

Ok, sorry about that.

When she finished filling out the form, I took the sheet of paper and looked it over. I didn't get too far, when I paused.

"Astraella Starr Ravenclaw-Slytherin?" I asked, reading the name she had written at the top.

"That's right!" She giggled, her eyes flashing an interesting blue, "I'm a descendant of Rowena Ravenclaw and Salazar Slytherin!" I just stared at her, "Their union was secret," she whispered, as if that made the whole situation right.

"Um…oooookkkk…" To tell you the truth, I was still stuck on the first couple of names, 'Astraella???'

"Meeting in five minutes, minions!" I heard a voice bark through the loudspeakers. Wait, loudspeakers? When in the hell did we get those?

Somehow I think this has to do with that speaker hook up I did to blast music into Voldie's room. Why don't I think of these things earlier? –facepalm-

"A meeting? Oh goody! I'll be reunited with my long-lost relative, the great and powerful Dark Lord Voldemort! Together we'll be able to take over the wizarding world!" Astraella grinned triumphantly

This day just gets better and better.

"Lord Voldemort! I am Astraella Starr Ravenclaw-Slytherin, relative of your lordship and here to help your cause. I am not only beautiful and perfect, but have the purest blood and magical power running through my veins. With our powers combined…"

You'll call Captain Planet?

"…we can rule the world!" she finished telling him what she had just got done telling me. Someone likes talking about herself a little too much, methinks.

What does she think? That Voldemort is going to run into her arms for a hug, give her some lead position, and that'll lead us into victory?

…he did just that. Son of a…

"Death Eaters!" He boomed, after a display of unmanly affection that should just not be seen in someone who calls themselves 'the Dark Lord,' "I am sending a special squad of spies to spy on the Order sneakily."

Yeesh…I'm all for alliteration…but that's a lot of s's.

"I am asking for Astraella, Bellatrix, and…?" He trailed off. Apparently, he didn't finish thinking through, who would be on his spy squad.

Wait, how did ASTRAELLA get on the squad? She's only been here ten minutes tops!

"How about her?" Speaking of the devil, Astraella pointed at…me.

ME?

"You mean the paper-work girl?" Voldemort looked somewhat confused. At least I'm not the only one at a loss here.

"Yes, her. She's expendable. Perfect as bait and fodder for the Order" Astraella grinned triumphantly. She so doesn't belong here…wait…EXPENDABLE?!

"Hmm…yes, yes she is," Voldemort stroked his chin thoughtfully. Grrreeeeaaattt…

"Staci!" He boomed, "You will be accompanying Astraella and Bellatrix on the mission. You're…sneaky." He finished lamely, as if I didn't or couldn't hear the previous statements. If only he knew how sneaky I can be…-cough-

And just where does this girl get off telling me I'm just an expendable pawn? I've been here longer than her! Jerk…

"Now," Astraella turned around, somewhat facing the room of Death Eaters, and somewhat to an unknown audience, "To reveal our evil plans…"

…Oh she did NOT just do that! She just broke the fourth-wall! That is MY job!!!! What do you think I'm doing now? And she just took that away from me!

She can insult my relative uselessness all she wants, invade my personal space, gain Voldie's favor (I didn't want that anyway), and send me into enemy territory.

But NO ONE breaks the fourth-wall and takes my job away from me. NO ONE.

Oh yeah. She's going down. Perfect or not, she is GOING DOWN. You don't mess with the quiet one, even if she's a short chick with plain brown hair and eyes. In this case, looks aren't going to matter. It's who you know, where you know them from, and how to use this information.

And luckily, I know just the people…

_Later that Night…_

"Ok, Stabi," Astraella said bossily, flutzing up my name for the ninth time this evening, "I want you to infiltrate the base, and report back to me when the coast is clear. IF you make it that far."

…Revenge will really be sweet after this.

"Fine," I pasted the best apathetic look I could on my face, trying not to roll my eyes.

"That's fine Sir," Bellatrix sneered at me. You know, you'd think she'd be pissed that she's now been demoted from second-in-command to lackey. But maybe she hasn't realized it yet…she isn't the brightest, after all...

"It would be 'Yes, Ma'am' actually" I couldn't help pointing out.

"What?"

"…Never mind" Kids, avoid inbreeding. For the sake of the world, PLEASE.

"GO!" Astraella ordered. Sheesh, uptight much? Though, I guess we're close to enemy territory, which could make a person uptight.

I tiptoed across the lawn, watching out for traps, and scanning the house we were infiltrating. It looked rather ordinary: two stories with what probably is an attic, rather dirty windows with the shades drawn, shingles missing from the roof. Not my first choice of lodging, but it would be better than the dump where we live.

Just one more reason the Order of the Phoenix is way better than the Death Eaters.

Prowling around the perimeter, I found a window that was partially opened. This was it. I was hoping, anyway. One wrong window = quite possible death. I carefully opened it, and slipped inside.

With a crash. Goddamn it…

Muffled bangs, some Lumos spells, and some shocked yells later, I was on my butt staring at some really bright beams of light. All pointing at me. And I couldn't see a thing in the blinding light.

"Who are you?" A guy's voice asked, deep and menacingly.

"Um…" I squeaked a high-pitched squeak. Great, there goes any dignity I would have had before I died. –Sigh-

"I'm not kidding. You are trespassing, and if I don't get a straight answer, I will kill you." The voice stated again.

"Well…um…you see…" This wasn't going well. Maybe I am expendable. But then who will do the paperwork?!

"Wait," Another guy's voice, a familiar one this time, interrupted, "aren't you that girl from the Death Eater house?"

"Yeah…Staci, right?" a female voice this time. Oh thank God, I may be saved!

"Um…yeah…hi." I replied, nervously. After all, I'm on the floor, my wand is still in my pocket, and it's 3 on 1 at the moment. Best be nervous at those odds.

"Death Eater, huh? What are you doing here?" whoever it is, isn't letting up. Don't really blame him, I guess.

"Relax, Harry, she's on our side…sort of." The voice whom I had identified as Ron, said.

"Still, why are you here?" Harry asked.

"Well…it's a long story…" I sighed, and started telling the whole story.

_Later_

"So you're basically you're a Death Eater, on a suicide mission on the orders of Voldemort and some perfect girl Death Eater with a silly name, this girl is outside somewhere with Bellatrix Lestrange waiting to infiltrate this base, and you're peeved off?" Hermione summed up.

"That's not even all of it. She broke the fourth-wall to talk with the audience! No one does that but me! It's just not right…not right at all! I have to get revenge!" I raged

"Whoa, calm down!" Ron yelled. It stopped the ranting, anyway

"Sorry about that, I just got carried away…"

"Ok…so you need our help?" Hermione asked, patiently.

"It would be nice…have any ideas?"

The three huddled up in a group discussion while I took in the surroundings. It was a very simple room with three small beds, a couple nightstands, and some backpacks. It wasn't the nicest room, with cracks in the wall, and some plaster missing from the ceiling, but at least it was fairly clean…and there was no Voldemort, which would be nice.

"Ok," Harry's voice interrupted my musings, "We'll help."

"Really? How?" I asked. Really, I had no idea what I wanted to do. Of course there was the ranting of 'get her, get her, get her' ringing in my head, but beyond that? Nada.

"Well..." Ron replied with a grin.

_To Be Continued…_

**A/N: Cliffhanger! Sorry, but I want the actual plot to be its own chapter. Hopefully, it won't be a long wait. I do have a plan, trust me…I just need to write it out :). Hope you enjoyed and thank you for all the reviews!**


	12. Plan 942 Part 2

**Chapter 12: Plan 942.2: Getting Down to Business**

**A/N: I'm sorry this is late. And I'm sorry because I know it's not that great of a chapter. College and writer's block do not make for a good chapter. I hope you still find it funny, but again, I'm sorry that it's probably not up to par with my other chapters. (this chapter is dedicated to my math homework that I'm procrastinating on!)**

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters. Only my own creations. **_

"Well first of all, what kinds of stuff do you have in that?" Harry asked, pointing to the backpack I carried.

"Uh…" I rummaged around in the small-ish brown pack, "My wand, a reel of fishing line and…a text book…" I trailed off.

"Of all the things you could have brought, why a textbook?!" Ron asked shocked

"Hey, don't knock the power of these things! They're packed with knowledge and the wisdom of the ages…" I started

"Yeah, Ron," Hermione agreed.

"…plus they pack one hell of a punch if you put enough force behind them." I finished, grinning. They all just stared at me. I swear, I'm not crazy!

"ooookkkk then," Ron rolled his eyes.

Harry thought a moment, probably taking in all the resources that we and the house had to offer. He suddenly grinned.

"Ok, here's what we're going to do" And we all huddled up to hear the plan.

_Later_

I walked down the gravel path, the glowing moonlight making the night seem not-so dark. I smiled slightly, as my thoughts flew up in the air, hitting the stars, and bringing back the wisdom of light and past. It was glorious, a beautiful night for a peaceful, serene walk...and chaos. Oh yes, the chaos!

And then my musings were interrupted by a pair of hands grabbing me roughly into a thicket of pokey, spiny bushes. Another hand muffled my surprised yell.

It was Bellatrix and Astraella. Of course; who else would have hidden in damn thornbush?

"Be quiet! We don't want to be caught!" Bellatrix glared at me. Like it was my fault I was shocked out of my mind. Assholes…

"What the hell?!" I whispered fiercely.

"We changed position…we thought you would have known. And we didn't think that you'd be coming back anyway…" Astraella explained. She was grinning that bemused sort of, 'I'm smarter than you, deal with it' way. And it was starting to make me mad. Well, madder, anyway. Revenge would be SO sweet.

"Well thank you for your confidence in my abilities" I muttered sarcastically, "as it so happens, we can infiltrate their hideout quite easily. No traps, no tricks, just some teenagers who are sleeping very soundly." I was hoping that last bit about the teenagers would take the cake. After all, everyone thought I was innocent enough…

"Hmm, good work…um…you" great, she couldn't even get a semblance of my name anymore. So much for intelligence. "You and Bellatrix may leave now."

"What?" Bellatrix asked, confused, "I am on this mission as well."

"No," Astraella began, "You two would just get in my way. It'll be easier with just me, and I am strong enough to take them all on…to take everyone on!"

I was struggling not to roll my eyes, while Bellatrix looked furious. She was about to confront Astraella, when suddenly, Astraella's eyes filled with tears. Oh boy…

"Besides, I must do this alone. The Order killed my parents when I was small. It is my duty to right this wrong." She said in a sorrowful, yet dignified way.

Because charging headfirst into enemy territory is SUCH a great idea. But Bellatrix bought it, and nodding her approval, Apparated away. I did the same, but instead of back at headquarters, I landed at the back of the Order's house, landing on my face. I can't even do that right! UGH! Oh well, there was no way was I missing out on this. Sneaking into the window, yet again, I met up with Ron, Harry, and Hermione.

"She's on her way," I said, "is everything set?"

"Yep, everything is in place and ready to go." Ron replied.

"Excellent" I laughed. Oh maniacal laugh, how I missed you! The two boys just stared at me, and shrugged. Hearing soft footsteps coming from the top of stairs, we ran to hide in the shadows where Hermione had been strategically placed. The door slowly opened.

Astraella stood at the top of the stairs, wand alight and almost glowing in her perfection. Ron's eyes bugged out of their sockets, and Hermione smacked him in the back of the head to get him to start breathing again…or maybe in jealousy, who knows?

Our target had taken her first delicate, graceful, and well placed steps towards the edge of the stairs. She descended slowly. And then promptly tripped over the fishing line.

It was a simple enough trap to set; fishing line is almost invisible and even more so in the dark. But more was yet to come.

She started to scream, as she fell down, but phase two of the plan had begun, as Hermione cast the levitation spell, catching Astraella mid-fall, and began levitating her towards an ominously black open door, leading to an even darker room.

However, there was still the matter of her wand; Astra began to raise her wand to release the spell.

"Expelliarmus!" Harry yelled, and Astraella's wand went flying out of her hand, and she was helpless, as she was led into the windowless, dark, room.

Quickly, I ran up to the door and threw my textbook in. I probably should mention that it was just an ordinary, boring, Muggle math textbook. Unless I actually threw it at a person, it probably wouldn't offend anyone. Except if they hated math with a fiery passion…

…or if it were a deranged painting of a scary, screaming woman who couldn't stand anything Muggle…

Which it was.

We had sent Astraella into the windowless lair of Sirius' mother. And the moment that book hit her painting, all hell broke loose.

"MUDBLOOD! FILTH! MUGGLE-LOVER! WHAT PESTILENCE IN THE NOBEL HOUSE OF BLACK!" The drooling old bat screamed, as we slammed and locked the door. She was still screaming, as we ran up the stairs. We could hear Astraella yelling as well.

"I'm pure-blood! You hear me! I'm a pure-blood!" She screamed, as if it would shut a pure-blood maniac witch painting up. It didn't, and still had not when I left Grimmauld Place.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione assured me that Astraella would not be 'harmed' and that they would take care of her in the morning. I was a bit worried (ok, not really), but needless to say, I was quite surprised the next morning when her picture appeared in the Daily Prophet.

* * *

**Escaped St. Mungo's Patient Found!**

_Early this morning, the Healer's at St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries were shocked to discover one of their patients sitting outside the hospital doors. Reports say that she was babbling on and on about nonsense topics, one of the most frequent being pure-blood and Dark wizardry. Healer's say that the patient was a long-term resident of the hospital, and had recently been discovered missing from her room. A hospital spokeswizard stated: "It is unclear how she escaped, where she was, or who brought her back, but we are glad she was returned." Apparently, this patient has a tendency to 'invent' her own name and story, making her difficult to track, despite a distinctive appearance. This is the Daily Prophet reporting from St. Mungo's.

* * *

_

So, I guess everything turned out ok. Astraella was a crazy patient and went even crazier after spending quality time with Mrs. Black, Voldemort is pissed off as usual, Bellatrix is confused as always, and I can still break the fourth wall in peace.

Not sure why Voldie's mad, though. I didn't even pester him today! That should be a good thing!

Maybe I'll have to change this… _*evil grin*_


	13. Plan 745

**Chapter 13: Plan 745.3: Happy New Years!**

**A/N: Hope this chapter is better than the last one. I believe it is, but I hope you think so as well!**

_**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series.**_

"STACI! QUIT MAKING THAT RACKET THIS INSTANT!!!" I heard someone bellowing from down the hall. I looked up; go figure, it was Voldemort.

"But sir! I'm just figuring out a more efficient way to travel!" I complained, as I picked up the skateboard I had been rolling down the hall on.

Ok, so I really couldn't skateboard. Well, I could stand on one, and push myself along on a straight path. But that was about it. However, in a late-night fit of insomnia, energy drinks and, a marathon of extreme sport watching, I got the idea that a skateboard would be just the thing to speed up my trek to my office. After all, the hallways were long, flat, and usually wooden, perfect for wheels (Though admittedly the darkness made it a bit dangerous…both for the rider and for those walking the halls.)!

Maybe trying the stupid thing on the stairs wasn't my brightest idea. It made quite a racket with a 'thud, smack, thud, CRASH' as each wheel hit another step. Along with a much larger thud of me hitting the ground.

I blame the dark. My skateboard blames my incompetence. Voldemort just thinks I'm a complete idiot.

"Are you arguing with me, The Dark Lord?" He glared, curling a lip in pure evil.

"Um…no?" I squeaked.

"You better not be," He muttered dangerously, "Now quit the nonsense and get back to work! I don't pay you to stand around" Voldemort stomped off.

He doesn't pay us for working either, as far as that goes. Hell, another Christmas has come and gone, and still no 'bonus.' I have no idea why I stick around this hell-hole. Except for the fact that, if I tried to leave, Voldy would send me off with a bang. And by that I mean I'd be dead. I don't remember that clause being in my contract, but some poor soul tried leaving last week. Luckily he 'repented' at the last second, groveled at his feet for an hour, and now is on guard duty (ok, how come I couldn't get that job? Even THAT would be more exciting.) Judging by the scorch marks on his back and smoke rising from his backside, though, that's not a position I'd like to be in.

Voldemort is the ultimate killjoy.

And now he's going to pay for it. Pay for it, I say! PAY!!!!!

…I'm just going to hope that's the last energy drink talking…

Later

The music was pumping, the lights were flashing, and the alcohol was flowing.

Ok, not really. Death Eater New Years parties aren't that fun. There was a boom box playing some bad 80's music, the lights were low (This could be due to Voldy not paying the electricity bill AGAIN) and they had that nasty Victory Gin tasting stuff again.

Still, it was a party. And I needed to get Volders completely plastered and out if I ever wanted a chance of pulling off my scheme.

And surprisingly, it was working better than I thought. See, I had thought that he'd MAYBE accept a few drinks, sneer a bit, get a little tipsy, and wobble to his room for the night. I figured that, to get him out cold, other means would have to be used…

Instead, Voldemort was near passing out already. I couldn't count the number of drinks he had consumed, and the party had only started an hour and a half ago. Still, it couldn't hurt to help it along a bit…

"Here sir," I handed him another mug.

"Tanks a whooooolllleeee bunch!" He…grinned? I don't know what exactly the look on his face was…but in any case, he grabbed the glass and chugged it. He was left with the same weird look on his face, a cross between a leer, a grin, and 'I'm a pretty princess!'

I stood by, snickering a bit. This was going according to plan. Except Draco happened to see the exchange.

"Why are you plying the Dark Lord full of liqueur?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Um…" I squeaked. You know, this is why no one can take me seriously as a Death Eater (not that I want to be, but still!) I squeak at the most inopportune moments. What the hell?! Draco stood there, his eyebrow still raised and smirking

"Um…" I started again, trying to come up with some lie, "because he's stressed out?"

He stared at me, "Right…"

"Hey, he did most of the damage before I showed up!" I defended myself.

Draco just shrugged and walked off. Crisis avoided. The only problem now was if he decided to go and pass…oh crap!

Voldemort had decided that the punch table was the perfect place to take a nap, and was slowly was sinking down the wall. Oh son of a biscuit!

Before anyone could notice, I put his arm around my shoulder and began to drag him out of the room. I shuddered…ew, ew, ew, this was definitely on my top ten list of 'things I never want to experience in my life again'

But, in the end, I pray that it will all be worth it.

Upon arriving in the Dark Lord's room, I shoved him onto the bed. He immediately passed out completely and started snoring. Then, in my backpack, I dug out some roller skates. Some old school roller skates, the kind of old metal skates that attached to your own shoes with leather straps…and were quite dangerous. Quickly, I secured the death traps…er, skates, and ran out of the room to join the party again.

It could be dangerous to use this plan…after all, he did see me with a skateboard and these could be considered close. I'm counting on the alcohol, lack of judgment, and the fact that that one unlucky Death Eater I was talking about earlier ran off tonight. I threw another pair of skates into his room. Hooray for having a scapegoat! I doubt Voldemort will care much about an insignificant runaway Death Eater pawn, especially when he's hung over.

Skipping down the hall merrily, I rejoined the party. No one even knew I was missing. This called for a celebration…

Later

'CRASH, SMASH, THUD, BOOM, BANG' I heard the commotion from down the hall…it added to the racket that my brain was making at the moment. I gotta say, I'm kind of jealous of old Voldy…I only had a couple drinks and I was down. Lord only knows how much he had…

Though from the sounds of it, he had more than he would have liked as well.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!?" he bellowed, as I heard another thud coming from his room. Apparently, he hadn't gotten around to taking off the skates…

I peeked out my bedroom, as I heard his door bang open. Waving wildly, Voldemort sped out the door, still wearing the stupid skates and moving down the hallway at an alarming rate.

Surely, he wouldn't hit the basement stairs…he wouldn't do that to himself…would he?

He did. Soon, the loud crashes, yells, and thuds were heard throughout the headquarters. The inevitable meeting could not be far behind…

Surprisingly, the meeting was short. Voldemort looked like he had a bit of a head ache…and just wanted to go back to bed. It was mentioned that a pair of skates had been found in blah blah blah's room, blah blah blah would be punished, I am Voldemort the Dark Lord blah blah blah, and some other meaningless things that I decided were pointless to retain.

Another successful mission, thanks to the wonders of alcohol and lack of judgment. Hooray!


	14. Plan 291

**Chapter 14: Plan 291: Locked-Up**

As you might have guessed by now, the Death Eater's are particularly useless. Sure, there's a bad rep about them in the Daily Prophet. But the truth is that most Death Eaters are in this for the "glory" and will boast about their kills or captures, when in reality they've been spending most of their days at a tavern pickling themselves and then dragging their sorry behinds back to headquarters. Really, the stories circulated about us are very misconstrued, for the most part (I can't speak for the days of the Wizarding War I, I wasn't around yet.)

So when Voldemort started cackling and raving about the capture of one of the members of the Order of the Phoenix, I was completely shocked. (Not about the ranting and cackling, those are the norm and are irritating.) Of course, in celebration, Voldemort decided we should have a masquerade party with masks of the Order (I seriously have no idea why he'd want to impersonate the enemy, but there you go.) And I decided I needed to meet this captive. After all, it's not every day you get to meet a member of the enemy team!

Wait…

While everyone was getting together their costumes and party gear, I stole down to the basement/dungeon. Yes, we have a dungeon…wouldn't be an evil lair without one, would it? Nothing fancy, a couple jail cells, a few chains attached to the ceiling, and a baby gate across the top of the stairs.

Which I tripped over. Son of a-!

Landing face first with a loud crash and thud (thank God for the party upstairs, muffling my klutzy-ass antics) I heard a voice coming from the cell directly in front of my lovely face indentation.

"Hello there!" a female voice said cheerfully. I looked up. In the cell there was a girl, roughly around my age, with very pale eyes. She had dirty blond hair and had a surprised air about her.

"Um…hi?" I stood up. So this was our captive…a barefooted teenage girl, holding some interesting looking flowers. I later learned that Voldemort captured her while she was out looking for certain plants for her father, something about a magazine article. I call this a cheap shot on Voldy's part. What an ass.

"It may be strange to ask this, but why are you down here?" the girl asked,

"Um…" Ah crap, what would be my alibi if caught? "I'm…uh…writing down your information! For our records!" Well, I probably would have to do that anyway. Might as well make it an excuse.

"I see. Well, I'm Luna Lovegood." Ah, that explained the air of strangeness surrounding her. The Lovegood's were notorious for their eccentricities.

"I'm Staci, I work here," I shrugged, "I kind of just wanted to meet you." She just stared at me.

And here was where the moral dilemma set in. See, I knew that her treatment in this place would be horrible. It is Voldemort; stupid as he is most of the time, he can be vicious, especially when it comes to either Muggles or the Order. Going against Voldemort would be suicide…

But I couldn't just leave her to rot down here either…

Goddamn it, conscious leave me alone!

"…just a second" I turned and ran up the stairs (and into the baby gate again, Goddamn it…) to first send an owl to the right people, and then to check on the party. It was in full swing, with music, dancing, and just some milling around. And everyone had their Order masks on. On the left, there was Lucius Malfoy wearing a mask of Sirius Black (uh…what?), on the right, there was Bellatrix with a mask of Mad-Eye Moody (disturbing…). And in the middle of it all was Voldemort, wearing…a mask of Harry Potter (and my brain just put up an iron shield as to never see this again).

Everyone looked stupid. And the theme of this party was even stupider. But this was going to work in my favor, as I tried to get Luna out of the house. I donned a mask (McGonagall, if you must know) and ran back downstairs. Luna looked up at me, bemused.

"What is this all about?" She asked, "Is it a mask day? Will I need a mask too?"

"Nope, you're just great the way you are" I grinned, though she probably couldn't see it behind the stupid mask, and started working at the lock on the cell.

For being in the headquarters of one of the most evil and diabolical wizards of all time, the locks on his dungeon keeps are surprisingly weak, and after a few minutes of poking and prodding at the lock, it fell to the floor.

"Come on, we gotta get you out of here" I grabbed Luna's hand and dragged her into the mass of masqueraders. I dropped her hand, searching for the easiest and most inconspicuous exit out of the room. After locating the exit on the far side of the room, I turned around to point it out to her; but she had vanished.

"Son of a biscuit," I muttered, searching frantically. You'd think someone who had just been captured by the Dark Lord would have more of a sense of self-preservation in a room full of Death Eaters, but apparently not. I finally spotted her. And of course, out of all the people in the room, she decided she needed to talk with Voldemort. I pushed my way towards them, praying that he didn't figure out who she was.

"So who are you supposed to be?" I heard him grumble. The party must not have been sitting well with him, for he looked pretty grumpy. Well, grumpier than he normally is, anyway.

"I'm Luna," she smiled serenely, "And until earlier this afternoon, I was searching for the Snorkacks."

"…The what?" Voldemort now just looked confused. I didn't blame him; I had no idea what the hell she was talking about either.

"The Crumple-Horned Snorkacks! Surely you have heard of them!" She exclaimed

"…no. No such thing exists" He was starting to get moody again. Oh dear God…

"We believe plenty of things exist that we cannot see. Just because you're too narrow-minded to think outside of what can be normally seen…"

"Uh, Luna, time to go…" I said, reaching her in a bit of a panic, and dragging her away. I could see old Moldy's face, beet-red with fury at being chided, but also completely confused.

We had made it out of the room and out into the street in front of the headquarters. From there it's pretty self explanatory. The right people were Harry, Ron, and Hermione. They took Luna away to safety. The Death Eaters continued their party until passing out. And Voldemort was furious when he found out that the captive was missing (Or maybe because he was hungover and still had no idea what a Snorkack was...anyway...) and kept our asses in a meeting for 10 hours, lecturing to us about staying loyal to him, and yada yada.

I suppose it was worth it. After all, who wants to be captive to an evil Dark Lord, who really is just a complete idiot who happens to have a horrible reputation and magical skill? Besides his Death Eaters, who must have a masochistic side in staying loyal to this guy.

…

Yep, definitely working for the wrong side. God, I'm such an idiot.


	15. Plan 610

**Chapter 15: Plan 610: Dodgeball**

"Yo, wut up my homedogs" Voldemort sang, while waltzing into the meeting hall that day.

Wait…sang? Waltzed?

Honestly, those two stood out to me more than his strange vocabulary. You see, Voldy got this idea that, to attract a younger crowd of Death Eaters, he needed to spice up his act and "get with the times." Apparently, that means talking like a moron. I mean, what the fuck is a homedog?

He also, started insisting on being called the "Dark Lord V-meister." …Yeah, welcome to the wonderful world of Death Eaters! He started his meeting off by starting to ramble incoherently in some dialect of…slang.

"So here's the down-low and da 411 on takin' over dis world ya'll" Voldemort said. He did some weird rap-like hand motions, to go along with the words, I guess. At his right hand was the Idiots Guide to Being Hip. If you couldn't tell (and you're probably the idiot if you couldn't) he hadn't mastered being "hip" quite yet. And likely never would. Like that's any surprise.

But as Voldemort's "teen-talk" (if you can even call it that. Seriously, do YOU know anyone who talks like this?) grated on my nerves every time he opened his mouth, it led me to call for some desperate measures. Plan number 610: dodgeball.

If you think about it though, maybe Voldemort will appreciate this great American sport. I mean, it has tormented kids for generations; it's right up his alley! But mainly I want revenge for an entire week's worth of already deathly boring meetings and making them unbearable by adding in homeboy's, dawg, and word up.

So after the meeting, I rushed out of the room. It was time to gather supplies, namely the round red, rubber balls of DEATH. MUWAHAHA! *cough* ahem…I have no idea where that came from…

_Later_

Luckily for me, Voldemort and some of his closest Death Eaters left on some mission. Not to kill Muggles or intimidate the Order or kick puppies. No, he and his posse went to the mall. To "research" as he calls it, though I caught him with a Victoria Secret bag the last time, and wearing clear nail polish (he went on a 3-hour rant about how manly men can wear clear polish. One of the more entertaining meetings, actually...

As soon as Voldemort opened the door to headquarters, all hell broke loose.

Two-hundred dodgeballs, all charmed to fly right at him we're set loose. They looked similar to Bludgers as they flew towards him. He stood there with a look of shock as a barrage of dodgeballs began to rain upon him.

It was a glorious sight to behold, as I hid in the doorway of my office. Like a million hellish gym sessions all rolled into one massive package of red-rubbery pain. It was enough make all the impoverished nerds, ones who suffered terribly from this game, tear up.

Unfortunately it didn't last long, as Voldy got wise and started blasting everything in sight. But not before gaining a black eye and various other bruises in the process. But the best was yet to come.

For as Voldemort walked into his room, dodgeballs rained down from the ceiling, covering him in a giant mass. He probably would have been fine, if not for the wrench I threw in for good measure.

Why a wrench, you may ask? Well if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball! Obviously, Voldemort fails at dodgeball. He gets an F.

Not that it matters to him; he kept us in a meeting for 5-hours yelling at us all. But at least the concussion keeps him from spewing off gibberish. I guess there's a silver lining after all!


	16. Plan 340

**Plan 340: A Musical Interlude**

Unless you've lived under a rock your entire life with no sense of hearing, I'm sure you've noticed that movies tend to have a soundtrack. You know happy-go-lucky chipper music for when the hero is skipping through a meadow, depressing slow stuff for the sad bits, the Hamster Dance when someone is being annoyed…

Come to think about it, life would be so much more interesting if there was theme music. Granted, every time I try to be sneaky and run down the hallway, I think of the Raiders March. It makes living here so much more entertaining, when you confuse others, pretending to be as epic as Indiana Jones, humming music as you go…

...Well ANYWAY it seems to me that all the villains have some sort of background music to…enhance their evilness…yeah that must be it. Something foreboding and sinister, that makes your skin crawl, your heart race, and causes you to break out in a cold sweat, the swooping crescendos and the music rises, rises, rise until…ba da da BA! There's the villain standing there, gloating over his victory…until the hero kicks some ass. But that comes later.

Voldemort doesn't have that, however. I mean, every time he stomps down the hall, there is no evil theme song, no tense wailings of violins, no forbidding darkness. For godssake, the birds don't even stop chirping.

Well, he doesn't seem like the brightest villain to me, so maybe that's the reason he doesn't get his own theme song.

This is why I decided to give Voldy his own theme music! Armed with my handy-dandy boombox, and stereo system still wired throughout the headquarters (seriously, WHY is that thing still hooked up?) I searched through my music collection, looking for some prime specimens. At last I found three likely canadates. Throwing the first CD into the player, I hurried off to Voldemort's chamber.

I decided it would be best to start off in the meeting. Right as he walked in. That way, he'd have his grand entrance (for once). At last, the door creaked open. Using the small remote hidden in my pocket, I pressed play as the Dark Lord took his first step into the room...

"TELL ME WHY, AIN'T NOTHING BUT A HEARTACHE…"

Voldemort looked bewildered upon his entrance. But the chorus wasn't done yet…

"TELL ME WHY, AIN'T NOTHING BUT A MISTAKE. TELL ME WHY…"

By now some of the Death Eaters were looking confused as well. Voldy's face was getting redder and redder by the moment. And it looked to me like a couple of Death Eaters, Draco included, were looking bemused at the whole situation.

"I NEVER WANNA HEAR YOU SAY: I WANT IT THAT WAY!"

And with the ending of the refrain, Voldemort blasted the boombox into a million tiny pieces. And after ranting for an hour, he finally cooled off and began his meeting…by ranting some more.

You may be wondering why he didn't blame any Death Eater for the "travesty that I suspect is corrupting our youth. Making them GOOD and not evil!" (Moldy's words, not mine. Thank God he's off the teen kick.) Apparently labeling an object with 'Property of the Order' is enough of a throw off.

Idiot.

Unfortunately, the Backstreet Boys proved unworthy as a theme song for the Dark Lord. Picky bastard. I grabbed another pre-labeled boombox and hooked it up to the stereo system. Voldemort likes to take a tour of headquarters every day to make sure everything is in order and to gloat about his relative awesomeness. Relative being that I think he's a moron, but that's beside the point.

So as soon as he began his march, I began mine.

The speakers boomed out one of the greatest villain songs of all time, the Imperial March. I think it made Voldy ten times more awesome…I mean, Darth Vader can be pretty evil, right? Well, at least his song is evil sounding.

I don't think Voldy appreciated it, though. He just got red-faced again, and yelled something about how the Order would pay a "thousand horrible deaths, via the Force" Then got even madder when he realized that he just used a Star Wars reference.

Needless to say, that song didn't last long either.

Which means it's down to the last song. And it's a doozy. Who knows? It may be perfect for him.

It was later that evening, when Voldemort had retired to his room. I crept down the hallway (humming the Raiders March as I did. God, that makes everything seem epic) and set out the last boombox. Then pressed the play button.

And ran like hell.

"COME ON EVERYBODY, IT'S THE HAMSTER DANCE!"

Ok, I admit it, I couldn't think of another evil song for Lord Voldemort. He was too picky…I mean, I had the one about him wanting things his way (Come to think of it, I should have thrown in a Burger King meal. Maybe that would have calmed him down…) and an evil march. He's too picky about these things, dammit!

But at least it was entertaining seeing him freak out about it. He seriously ran up and down the halls, tearing out his "hair." He tripped over Goyle in his mad rampage (Goyle, being one of the "guards" that night for outside of Voldy's doors. Don't know when he showed up, as he sure wasn't there when I was planting the music…

All in all, it was quite an entertaining scene to watch

Sucked when he blew up the last boombox, though. I paid good money for that! And I don't get paid! Asshole!

And this, my friends, is what happens when you try to do something NICE for the Dark Lord. Try to be helpful and he doesn't appreciate it. The moral of the story? Voldemort is a jerk. And he isn't cool enough to deserve his own theme music. Now if you excuse me, I need to go work on my sneakiness…Raiders March, here I come!


	17. Plan 21

**Plan 21: Why Voldy Hates Cake**

It was that time of year again.

The time of year where you question your sanity of working for a delusional madman. The time where you wanted to curl up in a ball and hide from the cackling. Where every day you woke up with a grimace because it was another day to suffer inane rantings that just seem to get worse and worse. Until finally it's over in one hellish bang, but leaves us with the uneasy feeling that it will be back again before we know it.

I am talking, of course, of Voldemort's birthday.

Yes, apparently evil wizards do celebrate birthdays. Hardcore. Seriously, for the past four weeks we had heard nothing other than Harry Potter must die and it's my birthday plan accordingly minions!

Basically, he wants us to do something special for his birthday. Despite the fact that he's getting on in years, he still anticipates his birthday like a little kid and acts about as whiny and spoiled as one to boot.

I guess when you're immortal things like age just don't matter. Even if you're ugly as sin with a personality to match.

Not only did we have to deal with planning the birthday bash, but the weeks been full of "briefings" about the approaching celebration. Most of them were pointless and just made us want to run away to the desert, hide in a cactus, and never come out again. Oh, and while it was summer and high noon too. That's how bad it gets.

Now you can see why this time of the year grates on my nerves. However, I think this year I'll make his birthday a little bit more "special." And I think I know just how to accomplish this…

Happy Birthday Voldemort

Every year for his birthday, Voldemort throws a huge party. While this could be good for getting completely plastered to the point where we don't remember that we're Death Eaters with no earning potential and likely to get thrown into Azkaban when this war is all over, Voldemort has to ruin it by making it a formal event. Complete with his top lackeys giving speeches and toasts to him all night. It's long, boring, and makes me want to throw up. Bunch of buttkissers.

It started off just like his other birthday. Voldemort gave us his life story about his rise from orphan-hood to greatness, then went on to the "accomplishments" of the year (What did we do all year again?) Lucius gave a speech about how the Dark Lord had been generous to his family and how he's the most evil wizard there ever was. Bellatrix agreed because she never has an original thought in her head. And Pettigrew groveled at Voldie's feet for a half-hour.

Dear God, help me. I'm surrounded by idiots!

But then they brought in the cake and my God was it a sight to behold. Layers upon layers of cake and frosting. Several candles at the top. Icing reading Happy Birthday Voldemort! The cake was huge, standing maybe 4 feet high and several feet across.

Feeding that many Death Eaters is hard work, yo!

With a triumphant (why triumphant, hell if I know) look on his face, Voldemort cut into his magnificent cake.

And it exploded into a cascade of sweet muck and Stunning spells. Many were stunned and fell over. Others were just terrified and fell over. I quickly ducked under a table and peaked out at what was yet to come.

Out of the mess climbed three people. I suppose you can already guess who they were.

"Happy birthday dung-sniffer!" yelled Ron, flinging cake into the stunned Voldemort's face

"Hope it has been unpleasant so far" Hermione added

"And hope you enjoy your gift. Be seeing you. Hope you never have another!" Harry finished. And as Voldemort glared, still unable to move, they Apparated, laughing hysterically.

Why Harry just didn't kill Voldemort then still weighs on my mind. Maybe he didn't feel like it or felt it just wasn't the right time. There seems to be some strong connection between Voldie and Harry so maybe he just has to figure that out first. Who knows?

But their gift to Voldemort wiped the Harry/Voldy questions from my mind. For in the rubble of the once beautiful cake was a case of Weasleys' Wildfire Whiz-bangs, all lit and ready to go.

Voldie's candles had nothing on that show. A happy birthday indeed.


	18. Plan 487

**Plan 487: In Which a Water Cooler Sets off Revenge**

If you ever think your life is boring, try being locked in a dungeon for awhile.

It's dull, damp, smelly, and there is nothing to do. I repeat: NOTHING.

For three days now, I've been locked away in the dungeon. And unfortunately, though the baby-gate at the top of the stairs can be breached, the cells down here are much more difficult to open. Forget about using a wand; they take that too. And since I don't have wonderful lock picking abilities (goal for when I get out of here? LEARN THIS SKILL) I'm kinda stuck.

Now, you may be wondering how I got into this mess? Did the Dark Lord finally discover what I've been up to? Did someone rat me out? Did the Order fall and somehow I got caught in the middle of it all? No. No, it was nothing like that. I'm not cool enough for that, I guess.

Instead, the Voldemort 'heard' me swearing as I walked past him down the hall. Apparently, he can't get inside my head to figure out that I've been messing with him, hating his guts as well as most all Death Eaters, and conspiring with Harry Potter and Friends to make his life hell. But he can break into my thoughts to hear the words "goddamn, son of a biscuit, what the hell are you ON? UGH!"

The surprising thing is that I wasn't even cussing at him. No, honestly! I was mad because Pettigrew and a couple other guys infiltrated my office. He put up a water cooler guys. A WATER COOLER. You know what this means? Have you seen the movies? Chats by the water coolers! Lame jokes! Talking about sports…or family…or…UGH!

I don't do well with people. Well, scratch that. I don't do well with idiots. I'm surrounded by morons on a daily basis. This is my office. It's my space of relative peace and quiet. Get the fuck out!

Not to mention that Pettigrew was being a dick about it all. Being "in" with the Dark Lord apparently gives him that right…so he would stand there day after day, making snide comments and insults about my work and person. You know what, I'm not THAT bad at everything. You want to know some strengths? I read extensively and can think of ridiculous plans that seem to come out alright. And I'm pretty good with animals. Sure, magic isn't really my forte, but I get along alright. But apparently, I fail on eight hundred levels and that's just before breakfast.

You can see my frustration, yes? Well Voldy couldn't. He didn't get too mad; something about me finally growing a backbone or something. Huh. But he did order me down here for a few days. So now I get to be furious in the dark and cold.

Here comes Macnair to let me out. He's grinning sadistically. I'm pissed off at the world. There will be hell to pay. Annoying hell to pay.

* * *

After being released, I decided the first stop I would make would be for some saran wrap. Isn't this stuff great? It clings to stuff…which sounds lame, but if you're stuck eating leftovers for days at a time, this at least keeps them somewhat edible. It's great!

Also on my list is spray paint. In lovely bright colors. We're talking florescent green, yellow, hell, I threw in some pink, just for fun.

And finally, some lard. Ok, ew. I honestly didn't think I'd find this stuff, but apparently the Walmart here has everything. I'm not much for this part of the plan, but hard-wood floors man…it has to be done.

The only danger of this plan is that I could get in trouble for it. I mean, I am the recent jailbird of Death Eater headquarters. It's not like it was a big secret. I figure I can go along with it, though. I'll prank myself. It seems silly, I guess, but hey, who said revenge has to be completely logical? Anyway, isn't there some sort of philosophy that says that the need of one is less than the needs of many? Well these asses need this…So there.

Time to set up.

_Later_

It's midnight. All is calm. All is quiet.

Silent night, you're about to be blown to smithereens!

Taking a deep breath, the firecrackers were lit. And all hell broke loose.

As soon as the loud snapping started lights went on throughout the bedroom wing of headquarters, as people stumbled out of bed and ran out into the hall to see what was going on.

They promptly ran into paint covered saran wrap, securely clinging to their doorframes. I gotta say the colors of the spray paint were a delightful choice. I never would have guessed the Malfoy's looked good in bright green. And Voldemort looks lovely in pink. Who knew?

Of course, there was screaming and yelling, as people ran into the cling wrap. The paint made it hard to see, of course, and the saran wrap wrapping them up couldn't have helped.

So when their feet hit the lard covered floor, there were the wonderful sounds of WHOMP, WHOMP, THUD. They couldn't get to their feet either.

Have you ever seen twenty or so Death Eaters plus their fearless leader flailing around helplessly in their bedclothes at midnight? It's hilarious. On so many levels.

Not all the Death Eaters had the same fate. Some had the presence of mind not to walk out their doors. They stood watching the scenario unfold in front of them. A few were trying very hard not to snicker. It was a glorious sight. The only downside was that I had to join the flailing mess of Death Eaters on the floor. Hooray for diverting suspicion!

And you know what? It wasn't THAT bad. You get to get messy and slide around. Kinda enjoyable! I didn't need to act like a complete loser, though. Just a slip and fall, that's all it took.

There was, however, one door that did not suffer my wrath of saran. And that door was Pettigrew's. He stood outside his room, watching the mess before him. And as he and the Dark Lord locked eyes, I could tell that Voldy was going to have a nice chat with Wormtail over there.

Payback is a bitch. Enjoy your stay in the dungeon, Pettigrew! And don't trip on the baby-gate on the way down!

…Ok, do. Please. I'm not that nice. MUWHAHAHA!


	19. Plan 34

**Plans 34.1-34.5: Inappropriate Tributes to the Dark Lord**

As you may or may not know, it isn't easy pleasing an evil overlord. They are mean-spirited whimsy killers of all things good and fun.

Also, they are bat-shit crazy paranoid of pretty much everyone around them.

Lord Voldemort is not different (unfortunately) and every so often he demands some present or tribute to prove our loyalty to his cause.

Socks do not cut it (unfortunately again). Many a Death Eater expendable has been fried due to a poorly thought out gift. After realizing he was killing off most of his supporters (and realizing that finding good help for an evil cause manned by a crackpot idiot) he decided that tribute would be anonymous. This has led to some very entertaining tributes left in the Dark Lord's name…as well as a few tributes left by yours truly, that just been weird as hell or annoying as all get out.

Let's get this list started, shall we?

**1. Pets**

To many people, pets would be a lovely addition for a lonely bastard that is bent on taking over the world.

Apparently not the case.

_***Frogged***_

"This present is wonderfully heavy and wrapped nicely," The Dark Lord snimpered as he picked up the giant box wrapped in silver and gold paper, "I wonder what it could be. Could some Death Eater be on their way to a promotion?"

Wait, we get promotions?

Voldemort opened the box, almost beaming in his snake-like flat-faced way. And then the attack began. Frogs began leaping out of the box by the bucketful in all their slimy green ribbity glory.

Despite its effects on the headquarters, I freakin' LOVE living next to a giant smelly pond.

Voldy screamed like a little girl and called for Nagini to eat the pests. However, she was a bit tied up at the moment: Apparently it is difficult for a snake to free itself from being clothes-pinned outside.

Frogs were everywhere in the meeting room, Death Eaters ducking left and right as amphibians rained down upon us all. It was glorious. But Voldemort must hate amphibians. He banned any mention of the incident, blaming the Order for "the plague" (Dramatic much?) And we spent the next week cleaning slime off of all the surfaces in that room.

Worth it? I think so.

**2. Body Modification**

You would THINK this would be self-explanatory. Who wants to decorate themselves in honor of an evil cause? That's just begging for Aurors to come and swoop down on you. Hell, the Dark Marks are already a pretty big give away.

But as common sense isn't so common, some Death Eaters take great joy in body modification to appease their master.

They are idiots.

And Voldemort thinks so too (OMG logic!)

_***Inked* **_

"My lord and master" Bellatrix murmured, as she approached the Dark Lord during the hourly meeting (help, help, HELP)

"Yes?" Voldemort was perfecting his evil grin and persona: grinned evilly and leaned forward with his head resting on his spindly fists (seriously, this guy has the strength of a toothpick. If he didn't have a wand, I'd laugh his ass out of the country.)

"I knowed we agreed that tribute should be secret-like" she said, sidling up closer to his side and butchering English in the process, "But I must protest in this case."

Voldemort sighed as if displeased, but since the guy is like a kid and his pleasure and eagerness for a gift cannot be masked, he replied "Go ahead."

To which Bellatrix lifted up her shirt to about her bra area. On her torso was a giant tattoo of Voldemort's face, complete with snakes and a banner reading 'I pledgd my sole 2 Lord Voldemurt.'

…Yeah…what can you really say to that? I muffled my snorts of laughter, the other Death Eaters smirked, some were confused as hell, and Voldemort had a look of pity, disgust, and 'what the flying fuck?' written on his face.

"You like?" Bellatrix grinned, "It was expensive and done out of pure adoration and love for you and the Death Eaters." She grinned at us all, as if we were supposed to appreciate the fact that she had a wobbly face permanently inked onto a flabby stomach to prove her loyalty to him AND us. Oh God, where to begin on this train wreck…

"Uh…Bellatrix…don't you think it's a bit extreme? Also, the grammar and spelling is atrocious and it's not exactly a good likeness of the Dark Lord" I piped up from the back of the room. Like Hell I was going to let this mocking opportunity pass.

"SHUT UP!" She roared, making the front people jump back, and even startling Voldy a bit, "YOU HAVE NO APPRECIATION FER THE MASTER! AND NONE FER ART!"

Voldemort stared at the tattoo a bit more. "It looks more like a potato with eyes" He finally muttered, sending Bella into stunned silence, "But uh…I appreciate your loyalty to our cause."

I could have sworn that at the end of his statement he murmured "I think…"

_***Pins and Ribbons***_

"My Leige!" One of the new recruits ran up to Voldemort one quiet day, grinning as all crazy can be, "I can finally show you my life's work towards the Dark Lord's cause!"

"Perfect!" Voldy chuckled "Let me see your gift."

To which the new guy pulled off his shirt, revealing the piercings that criss-crossed his back. Satin ribbon spelled out Voldemort.

Voldemort was stunned.

I haven't seen the guy since…

**3. Money**

Ok, so not really money. After all, to fund a world-conquest, you need to have some dough. So maybe I should make myself more clear as to what I mean not appreciating the sentiment of cold-hard cash…

_***My kingdom for that squirrel!***_

One day I was bored as hell. And for once I wasn't completely broke and had a Galleon on me. And a role of fishing line left over.

Let the fun begin.

_LATER_

"Why, some thoughtful minion has left me money!" Moldy grinned widely as he spotted the gold coin lying in the hallway outside his door.

As he bent to pick it up, the coin jerked from his grasp and laid still once more. Confused, Voldy tried again. The coin jerked away and began sliding down the hall.

Meanwhile (back on Endor?) a squirrel with some fishing line tied to his tail, was following a trail of acorns that I leisurely threw down the hallway. The farther I threw the acorn, the farther he ran. And the farther that Galleon traveled down the hall. And eventually down into the dungeon.

Voldemort and stairs don't mix well.

The squirrel was pretty happy (and full) though.

**4. Arts and Crafts**

They say that homemade gifts are the best way to show someone that you care. They take time and effort, and therefore are a direct indicator of how much you appreciate and adore the receiver.

Right?

Well…

_***Glitter and Rainbows***_

To say that Voldemort is a dark person is an understatement. He is a moron, sure, but he is a cold-hearted, dark-minded, and evil SOB.

So when he got on his homemade gift kick (remember that homemade gifts from the heart thing? Yeah, he apparently read the same book) it probably wasn't the best idea to leave the vats of glitter unattended.

See, I have a brother. And once upon a time, we used to do a lovely prank to one another that involved a bucket with Legos (or various other toys) set on top of a door. Open the door and it falls. Painful and simple, isn't that the hallmark of a good prank?

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS THIS?" The hallways of the headquarters rang with the shrieks of an evil madman who just had about a gallon of blue glitter tumble onto his head.

I left others on the bathroom (where he'll run to get the stuff off) and on his door (where he'll run for safekeeping). Purple and pink respectively. There may be some paste involved in this…

It's gonna be a good day.

_***Knitting***_

Around Christmas word got out that I knew how to knit.

This is not technically a lie, but mostly is. See, I was taught the art of knitting…but I can't really do anything arts and crafts related without it all blowing up in my face.

But Legilimency is a bitch and unfortunately both Voldy and that…oh what's his name…Snap...Sape…SNAPE (That's it! ) have this ability. Despite the memories I have of my grandmother chiding me for knitting rows wrong, tangling the yarn into impossible knots, fencing my friends with the needles/throwing the yarn at them, and just making an overall mess that should just not be possible with this craft, the fuckers decided I should teach a class on the subject. Boost morale; stave off the boredom that winter can bring, etc…

_How the lesson went:_

"NO! You do not stab others with the needles!"

"I have no idea. Ask someone who actually has the patience to knit."

"No, I don't have any silver yarn. No one has silver yarn. We have black and…black"

"How the flying hippogriff did you manage to do THAT with the yarn?"

"Go hug a goddamn cactus you twit!"

"Hey everybody do the hamster dance!"

Needless to say, Voldy and Snape got some very ugly sweaters with large holes, bits of "shrapnel" from the needles" impossible patterns from black yarn (how the hell did they manage to do that?) and much distaste from the bored and annoyed Death Eater Knitting Brigade.

That'll teach them to get into my head.


End file.
